Thursday, July 1, 2010

Lost in Translation

So this picture was recently brought to my attention (thank you and I just have to give a few pointers to people thinking this might be helpful. First things first, the picture in question.

It is a "translation" for parents to understand what their kids are saying when they say certain key words. Now, I am not necessarily the most up-to-date on most phrases, but I have grown up in the generation mentioned in this article and I need to tell you that most of the shit in this article is horribly fucking wrong. Let's go through some of the words together, shall we?

"Cheddar: Money" - If your children are rich, monocle-wearing British aristocrats, they may say this. Otherwise, pretty sure no one uses this word unless they are talking about the cheese.

"Cheezing: Smiling" - I refer you to this Urban Dictionary article. Has no one seen South Park? The author of this article hasn't.

"Chillax: to relax and chill out" - Ding! Got this one right! Of course no one has said this since The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was airing new episodes, but whatever. A victory is a victory, even if it is at the Special Olympics.

"Chomper: loser" - I've never heard anyone say this. As far as I know, Chomper is this thing.

"Coolth: a state of being cool" - Is this actually slang? Maybe I am out of touch? Maybe I need this article to help me when I thought I didn't.

"Crunk: somewhere between drunk and crazy" - I don't think that's what rappers had in mind when they came up with that word, but if you need to think that in your sheltered, suburbanite world, then fine. To quote Urban Dictionary again: "Everybody here is wrong, it is not getting crazy and drunk. It's smoking chronic (marijuana) and getting drunk."

"Dang: disappointed or surprised" - This is helpful for a person who has never heard words before or grew up raised by wolves. Otherwise, you can probably glean from the context what this word means.

"Defriend: to end a friendship" - You're officially riding the short bus if you didn't know what this meant.

"Dis: to disrespect" - Are the 90s that long ago people don't remember what this word means?

"Durri: a cigarette" - No one says this. Ever.

"E-Class: a really expensive car" - This isn't slang. IT'S AN ACTUAL TYPE OF MERCEDES CARS NUMBNUTS!

"Fap: Drunk, confused, intoxicated" - "Here's the pulse. And here are your fingers, far away from the pulse, lodged firmly up your ass." Fap isn't an adjective, is a verb/sound. A dirty, dirty verb/sound.

"Fetch: cool or stylish" - Someone watched Mean Girls, but quit paying attention when they explained this was just some wannabe cool girls not cool word.

"Foo: a fool and/or friend" - Mr. T called, he wants his obvious shortening of a word back. And his popularity as something other than a punchline.

"Grommet: a child who surfs, skates, or snowboards" - No, this is Grommet:

"Gronk out: go to bed" - That phrase has never been uttered by a sober human being before someone read this article out loud. Maybe they meant "zonk out", but even then, that's pretty old.

"Holah: Make some noise" - I believe they meant hollah, which is usually used to say something terrible like "Hollah atcha boy!", used by frat boys and other would-be date rapists to mean "call me".

"Jacked: Messed up and destroyed" - I guess if someone said to me that Sylvester Stallone was totally jacked in the new Rambo movie, I could misinterpret it like that. But really, jacked is all roided up. Sorry, probably need a definition for that too: he's taking steroids and looking very cut. Sorry, cut means very muscly and strong. And strong means...

"Loose: a positive word meaning without morals or self-restraint" - Yes, positive. As in, "Look at that loose chick. I love the way she has no inhibitions. This is positive." Sorry, wrong, it means she's a whore, which is almost never positive.

"Moo: bored" - That's the sound a fucking cow makes. Is the person writing this article suddenly playing with a Speak and Say?

"Piece: mobile phone" - Piece means gun or dick. Jesus Christ, are you living on a goddamn religious commune or something? Who wrote this?

"Puff: something very good" - Okay, I hate to tell you this, but if you ask your kid what a "puff" is and they say "something very good", it's most likely going to be followed up with a lot of laughter, bloodshot eyeballs, and a discussion about your kid's room smells like incense. Because it means to smoke pot, you see. If you're reading this article and actually thinking it's correct, then I need to spell this out for you.

"Secks: something desirable" - Say it out loud once. Sound like anything to you? Hmm, maybe it's "something desirable" because SEX IS FUCKING DESIRABLE. I bet the author of the article asked their kids for help translating it. If they did, I also bet they don't know that their kids hate them and are currently laughing at them. Also, SURPRISE BUTT SECKS!

"Uber: Very" - Ehh, close enough. Try super or over (what it actually means in German), but you got close.

Moral of this story: Newspaper writers are as out-of-date and archaic as the form of media they write for.