Friday, May 22, 2009

Things About Japan You Aren't Told

I was in Japan for the last couple of weeks visiting my girlfriend, in case you didn't know. It was an amazing trip, I must say. I saw Mt Fuji, downtown Tokyo, and all kinds of temples. But, I saw a few things that you won't be warned about, so I figured I would tell you so you won't be surprised when you visit the Land of the Rising Sun.

At some point, you will have to crap in a hole in the ground: For the most technologically advanced country in the world, Japan has a lot of toilets that are merely holes in the concrete that you squat over. It's moderately disconcerting at first, but after a while it feels like camping in a smelly concrete bunker. It just sort of happens, I guess. On the subject of toilets...

For every hole in the ground, there is a toilet with crazy technology on it: They have heated seats (amazing), a bidet (not as amazing), and automatically raising seats (pretty freaky at first). The best part is that the bidet water pressure is adjustable. I should warn you if it goes up to five, don't go beyond three unless you want water shot directly into your ass. And I don't mean your crack, I mean up your rectum. Also, some toilets have a little symbol on them like the third one from the left on this picture. Those are exactly what you would expect: a button to make the ladies feel a bit more fresh. Out of curiosity, I pressed it once. I must say, don't do that unless you feel your taint and scrotum need a thorough cleansing.

Japanese people make all kinds of strange noises: Every single Japanese person, from the oldest man to the youngest girl will make a noise of surprise that sounds roughly like a Tim the Toolman Taylor grunt. It's sort of their "Oh really?" noise, but far stranger. Also, they will constantly be making grunts on the train, while listening to you talk, and when they are in the stall next to you (possibly after getting a nice little taint washing).

They have vending machines everywhere: I know it's pretty well advertised that you can find most anything in vending machines there: from umbrellas to beer to panties, there's a vending machine that will have what you need (I saw all of those things in machines there, by the way). But what they won't tell you that even in the suburbs, there's a vending machine on every corner, often times more than one. And on those machines, you will notice that...

Tommy Lee Jones is fucking everywhere, staring at you like an omniscient God: Case in point:

The Japanese people as a whole don't know who he is except that he's the Boss Coffee spokesman.

Everyone has a charm on their cell phone: Much like this, everyone has crap hanging from their cell phones. Teenagers will have so much stuff on their phone that it can't be physically contained in the bags. The charms hang out of their pockets or bags like medals and stripes on a general's uniform. They have more mass than the phone itself often times. And even the most stern salary man will pull out his phone to reveal a little monkey dangling from it.

Japanese men's fashion has two categories: Business suit and gay. That's it, there's very little in between. Imagine a country full of indie/emo/scenester guys that decided to make their fashion gayer by a factor of 10 and you have Japanese guys. Their hair takes longer and is more stylish than most fashion models'. Their jeans are designer with more holes than fabric in them. Their shoes are pointier than elf shoes. They wear shirts that are tighter than their pants. Their belts look like everyone of them got a bedazzler for a gift. And they wear bigger sunglasses than your average Brooklyn Jewish Princess. It's disturbing.

And that's really about it for now. Enjoy your travels!